A little notes

When I feel like my demons are too much...

"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating," as Simone Weil observed.

And it is so true.

Small But Profound Fix

It seems this blog is becoming my sounding board. Cool.

I ahve a lot of phone conversations with people. And I noticed I say thank you and goodbye together and I don't ever really get to mmmeeean the thank you. And my phone conversations always end oddly. So, in my Jack Donnegy fixing things up mood, I'm going to say thank you with sincerity, listen for resopnse, and then pleasantly end my call. For the good of mankind.

Yay! Sweet sweet surrender!

I slept last night for the first time in six days! It felt great. It still wasn't without a lot of waking up, but I managed to log at least six or seven hours.

I had this recurring thought but I need to remember it. When people think you are a lesser person, or believe you should be a lesser person, they try to keep you in that place in and outside there heads. For example, if you are an alchoholic, you will always be a fuck-up and a loser. That is what I believe. I need to be strong in myself and fuck the rest of them. Than I can do a better job in all I do.

Curiouser

So last night my computer froze on my or I would have finished typing this. 

I very strange thing happened. I was asking myself why I can't love others. Well, first I discovered my curiosity was very strong on the left side of my body, from the heart chakra all the way down into the prahna and ground. So I asked myself why I can't love. The right side of my heart would give me the answers. Because I don't accept love. So I let mother universe love me and I felt this love like a hug, but I noticed from my heart down, my curiosity was not satisfied. It was extremely hungry, like the black void. So I hugged my curiosity with the love that was given to me by the very sorry of existence. 

Then something really interesting happened. As I was hugging my curiosity, Amma's voice came to me from the upper left and said, "This is going to be difficult." And I thought about my belief, or a belief in a possibility, that I am a carrier for other souls, that I am transporting other souls, alive or dead, into another plane of existence. And from the depths of my curiosity bubbled up the voice of an Indian man, a male from India, speaking English in a heavy accent. And then I realized that maybe I am transporting this man and this is where I get my curiosity from. So I hugged him and made him a part of me. And that seemed to make him less hungry, if not totally satiated. This is what happened to me last night.

At work today, it was a whole lot of the same. Trying to find ways to keep other people's inner mental voices from entering my head while respecting there space and mine, i.e. not getting aggressive or angry and just finding numerous ways of establishing boundries.

Lying Awake

I heard Barack Obama's voice come into my body. And I felt completely different. Not unlike before the election, him and JOhn McCain Had debates inside my aura. His presence is secure. I think maybe it was a reaction to keep my father's psyche out of my yellow/diaphragm chakra. 

His color is not all blue like in the election when McCain's red battled him out over personal versus public responsibility (and over my energy) but a darker quality with the blue. 

Earlier, someone came to my window and a voice told me to talk to her, but I couldn't after I had heard some indistinct phrases of several different feelings.

I also smelt a future lover under the covers.

That's about it since trying to sleep.

Sunny Days

Though I've been suffering from some kind of insomnia for the first time in my life, the little I did sleep was pretty pleasant. I was in some kind of magical/imaginary land. I was in control, noone was controlling me, and I was in some kind of chase. And I didn't feel frightened or afraid.

Not much to report. Except I did Chi Qong, an open heart energy meditation similar to Tai Chi and started doing more vegetatbless, I may go vegetarian.

So I want to note, I exercised around 3 am this morning. I will try to do some more tonight. Maybe yoga.

Looking Into Ether

This is it. This blog is to chronicle the things that happen to me on an everyday basis. For example, as I lye in bed, spirits come to me. They come to a "window" that I "dream" and look at me, grab a hold of me and I have to fight them. They grab my whole chi, my entire energy inside and outside of my body, and I have no control.. I know I am being strangled, so I wake up. I wake myself up to I can shake off the attack.
This happens all the time. It happens when I'm "awake" too. Today, whenever it happens, the muscles under my left eye twitches. And I get very emotional. Or I will if I am smart, as this will keep away unwanted presences.
Sometimes I see them. They are black or watery images over the environment. They make me sad.

I don't know who this is for. Is it for the reader or the writer. But if you have any feedback you would like to write about, feel free. I will keep posting all the things that happen to me.